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A Case Where Truth Doesn't Hurt
Hello Dr. Neder
I am at a point now where I do not know what else to do. I have been with
my boyfriend for almost 3 years and I have a lot of issues with trust.
Well, I have one issue and that is that I do not trust him. My boyfriend
has lied to me numerous times about many different things, some of them so
trivial that I can't possibly understand why he would bother. Over the
years I have let each lie go because each time he says that he will
change. Recently I broke up with him because I told him I didn't trust
him. However, the break up only lasted 2 days because I missed him so
much.
I don't believe that he has cheated or that he ever would. I just think
that he has a problem. He not only lies to me but to his friends and
family. I want to be with him more than anything but I know that this is
not possible without trust. I was wondering if you could help me. I don't
know how I am going to start trusting him again; I don't know what I am
supposed to do. It has come to the point where I don't believe anything he
tells me.
Thanks.
================
Hello!
Let the first person that hasn't lied come forward...
First of all, this is an absolutely unreasonable standard. You have lied
to him too - doesn't that count? How do I know this? Because lying is
something EVERYONE does - from "little white likes" to "whoppers",
everyone tells lies. Having been in your relationship for 3 years, I can
absolutely, positively know that you've lied to him too.
The only difference is that you care about it and hold him to it; try to
make him responsible for it, and make him take responsibility for your
trust when he lies - he doesn't.
So, if lying is your reasoning for not trusting him, I think it's rather
misplaced. Consider too that just because he's lied to you, doesn't really
mean much in your relationship! My concern is why he feels he HAS TO lie
to you? What about you makes him feel that he can't trust YOU in order to
be honest with you? Have you ever stopped to consider that issue? This
isn't about him - it's about you!
Let's talk about trust.
Trust has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else. Trust is a purely
internalized thing! You're trying to make him responsible for your level
of trust in him when he can't possibly do this. Your excuse is simply that
since you've caught in him a lie that you can no longer trust him. Going
back to my first point, that is completely unreasonable!
I've used this analogy a number of times: do you "trust" him to get
something from the store if he promises, or to pick you up from the
airport if he say's he will? Of course you do. You "trust" him to do it
because you could simply do these things yourself if you had to. You might
not appreciate him forgetting you at the airport, but you'd sure as hell
find a way home, wouldn't you? I bet you wouldn't sleep there!
You know that he's never cheated on you, yet you just don't "trust" him.
What's this all about? I'll tell you - it's about your inability to accept
the responsibility for your own trust in someone else. Specifically, you
want to rid yourself of this responsibility.
I suggest that you reconsider your issues here. You apparently have an
otherwise good relationship that you're tearing apart because of personal
issues - not because of issues he's created. Worse yet, this isn't going
to end with him. If you break up with him, you're not going to trust the
next guy - or the next one after that, if you don't get this handled
within yourself first.
Best regards...
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all
email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more
information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volumes I &
II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion
group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.
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