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Getting Past The Friend Stage
Dear Dr. Neder,
I just read your response to someone asking about becoming a boyfriend of
a women friend. I have this same dilemma as the guy in this letter except
I am a woman who has fallen into the friend category several times and all
very recently.
As much as people say that women control the speed of a relationship, I
don't believe a woman has the power that men have to be straight forward
because when we are, it scares the hell out of men, but when men are, it
turns a woman on.
This is the 4th time in last 3 years that I end up becoming really good
friends with a guy and find myself hoping that the relationship turns into
something more. Additionally I have had one relationship where started
very closely resembling a serious relationship where you get along great
but the commitment to a relationship was not there on his part.
In all these past cases I have come to a point where it was time to shift
the focus of the friendship to another level and made it clear that I
would like something more serious because I am starting to fall for the
guy. Certainly there is a trend I am facing, and I think it has to do with
the approach with the last guys at that critical moment.
From a guy's perspective, what is it that changes your mind about a woman
that can only be seen as a friend to someone that you can't wait to get
sexual with? Am I doomed to have this platonic mesa happen to me over and
over forever? Should I just give up and make sure I don't keep any guy
friends I might fall for? Do all good relationships start with sexual
tension from the man or is it possible to have a healthy relationship this
way?
======================================
Hello!
You're right on your first point: men are much more straight-forward than
women are. We are direct with out thoughts, language and direction whereas
women are much more indirect in these areas. You're also absolutely
correct about that directness being a turn-on for women! I try to teach
this to my students constantly.
I see at least three problems here: first, you are putting too much effort
and emphasis in on the relationship itself; second, I sense that you're
not picking up on the guy's sexual advances, and third you are giving too
much away right from the start.
Let's deal with these in reverse order: women are usually very good at
withholding the truth of their feelings from men. Men often complain about
this, but in fact, also aren't usually good at dealing with a woman that
isn't this way! My students are exceptions to this however, but you
obviously haven't met any of them yet!
When you give away too much about your interests in them too early, they
think they've already "won" you and there is no more chase. That's not a
good thing for men as we are all about the chase. Interestingly, I teach
my students to do this with women, but it works even better with men.
The second point is also critical. My question to you is: have you been
sexual with these guys early on? If you're withholding sex from them, I
can guarantee that they won't be anything more than friends with you very
quickly. Men and women use sex very differently. Women use sex to create
bonding an intimacy whereas men use sex (early in the relationship) to
determine if they WANT to create bonding and intimacy! If you aren't being
a sexual person with these guys, then all they can see is a friendship
with you.
The first point; that of putting too much emphasis on the relationship (in
this case "friendship"), is a huge mistake. I've written tons about this
subject. Men and women don't make good friends for each other. That is a
reality. Someone always comes out wanting something more. In this case,
that someone is you.
If you act like someone's friend rather than someone's girlfriend, guess
what he sees? Yup - a buddy. By befriending the guy, you are telling him
that's exactly what you want. Further, having these guys as friends also
works against you in that they become obstacles to you getting what you
want. You are making friends of romantic interests rather than simply
setting them free to pursue their own lives. Let's face it - you don't'
want these guys as "buddies" - that's just a consolation prize. You want
something more. Focus on that something more instead of just keeping them
around in your life. I call this the "Law of Vacuum" - make room in your
life for what you want, by getting rid of what you don't want. Nature
abhors a vacuum!
Best regards...
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all
email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingaman.com for answers. For more
information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volumes I &
II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion
group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.
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