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She's Commitment Phobic
Hi,
I've been dating a woman for over 3 years. We're both in our mid- to late-20's and live in different states. We've planned to move in together 5 times. The first time, she backed out the day before we were supposed to sign a lease. The second time, we did move in together, but it was only for three months, as I was leaving for law school at the end of the lease. The remaining 3 times she has backed out right with only a month's notice or so.
The last 'back-out' occurred just a few days ago. We've spent the last year apart in a long distance relationship, and I've only seen her 8 days this year. Right after we found a place we both liked, she freaked out and decided that she wasn't going to move up here and that she needed time apart.
She wants to remain 'friends' for awhile, and see where it goes. She obviously has serious commitment issues - needing time apart after spending most of the last year apart seems insane to me.
My question is this: What the hell do I do? I really care for this woman, but obviously there's a pattern here and I'm tired of waiting, and not willing to commit to someone who's unwilling to commit to me (especially after three years!). Should I stop talking to her, should I try to be her 'friend,' should I get her committed????
Any suggestions would be helpful.
Hello!
You've got a lot of issues going on here! First of all, you need to understand that long-distance relationships NEVER work out! I've seen thousands of them and they all end the same way - just like yours. There are many reasons for this (and you can check my website for all sorts of articles: http://beingaman.com), such as not being there for each other during important events, , living a life by yourself, etc.
She's already seeing this fact (of course it's taken over 3 years), and it appears you are seeing it now too. But, this isn't the only problem.
This commitment issue is at least one other, (yes, you have more, but they aren't that important to your question). Moving in together isn't just about finally being together after all this time apart - it's also about completely changing both your lives. She obviously isn't willing to make these changes.
In effect what you have right now is nothing more than a friendship. Simply giving it a name now is something of a moot point. However, you need to understand that for women, being a "friend" has a very specific meaning: you're over as a couple. "Friends" never go back to being lovers in a relationship.
Worse yet, friendship works directly against your goals! Not only does it prevent you from having her as your girlfriend, it keeps you on the hook thinking that you might some day, thus preventing you from finding a "real" one.
Here's what you should do: stop talking to her, DO NOT agree to become her "friend", start seeing this as the slap in the face that it is, and move on. Just imagine all the great women you've probably passed up in the last 3 years because you were committed to someone that wasn't even there for you. That's a tragedy - both for you and the girls you didn't meet.
Don't waste another minute on this "relationship" - it doesn't exist. Get moving and find someone that fits your goals and is right there in your own back yard.
Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.
Copyright © 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
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