I`m looking for some advice on this girl I`ve been seeing. I took her out a couple of weeks ago. We got a bite to eat, played pool, had a few drinks, etc. and had kick ass time. We went back to her place and played around a bit. I stayed over, but had a mutual agreement for no sex the first time. I talked to her about every other night the following week on the phone, both of us making an equal effort to call but not be too "needy." We had made plans to go out again the following Saturday but settled for a Sunday movie because she ended up traveling for the holiday weekend.

Sunday went pretty good and I went back to her place to watch TV for a bit. Maybe I`m reading into it too much, but when we started playing around, she wouldn`t slip me the tongue like I expected. I wasn`t trying to get laid by any means, but it would have been nice to make out a bit.

Do I just need to relax and act like it`s no biggie? We`re going out again Friday, probably dinner and a few drinks or live music. I could use some advice so I don`t do something dumb and "drop the ball."

Help!

Dr. Neder answers:

What you have here is an issue of communication and of "conversion".

In my new book, "Being a Man in a Woman`s World II", I talk about both of these topics: learning to understand what she means by what she says, and the art of sexual conversion - moving a date from a friendly, fun time into the bedroom.

Let`s deal with the communication issue first.

It probably wasn`t YOU that decided that you wouldn`t sleep together on the first date, it was likely SHE that decided this and you simply agreed. Ok, fine if that`s what you wanted. This usually is excused away by saying that you want something long-term with her and that`s why you would be willing to wait. In fact, there is no such rule anywhere in the Universe! I get letters all the time from people that slept together on their first dates and stayed together or even got married.

How early you choose to sleep with someone has no bearing on the longevity of the relationship. This is instead a way for a woman to prevent you (she believes) from "not respecting her", or from thinking she`s too easy. Of course us guys know that this is ridiculous. It`s a "woman thing".

When you agreed to not sleep together on the first date (even though you both were obviously ready), there was something that you missed. It was a implication that YOU (as the man) had to do the sexual conversion during a subsequent date! Yes, I know that wasn`t said, but in her mind, she believed she implied it! Remember, she doesn`t want to come off as too easy, and if she let`s you make all the moves, she`s safe!

Thus, you`ll have to decide when you`re ready to convert, and when you`re ready, to make the moves.

Now, let`s deal with the topic of "sexual conversion".