My girlfriend and I have been friends for a while and then we decided to start dating. We have been together for about 3 months now. I love her with all my heart and I would do anything for her. She has been staying at my apartment with me for two months. I buy all the food and don`t ask her to do anything. The problem is that she had a miscarriage with another guy last year.

I am 20 and she is 21 I know that sex is not all the relationship but we went 19 days with out sex and it seemed not to bother her at all. She said that she does not feel like having sex and I don`t know what to do. I don`t want to break up with her because I love her and she also said that she hurts "down there” all the time.

I think when we have sex she is just doing it to get me to shut up even though she says she doesn’t but I don`t want to have sex with somebody who doesn’t want to. I would like to know what I should to do about this. Do I need to take her to the doctor? I would really like you to tell me what to do.

Dr. Neder answers:

You are with the wrong girl. Sorry, but that is a fact. Believe me, sex IS important in a relationship. It`s right up there in the top three; make no mistake about it!

Right now, you`re going through the early stages of a sexless relationship. This isn`t going to get better - it`s going to get worse! How would you like to be trapped for the rest of your life in a sexless marriage? That`s exactly where you`re headed with all of this. She has whatever emotional problems regarding sex that she has. That`s not your fault, but you`re not in a position to correct it either. That may take a professional.

It also doesn`t matter how much you love her! You can`t love her enough for her to get over this problem, and as I`ve already told you, sex is an important part of any healthy relationship. I stress: HEALTHY. What you have is a situation that isn`t healthy.

If you really want to try to turn this around, you`re going to have to do the following things:

1) Sit down and talk with her openly and frankly (assuming that she will even do this - if she won`t, you have your answer!)

2) Explain that regular sex is an important part of a healthy relationship (tell her I said so if you want).

3) Tell her that you`re committed to working through this problem if she is.

4) Agree to get her to a doctor to make sure that she has no physical problems that make sex painful.

5) If there are no physical problems, ask her to see a sex therapist and find out why she`s having this problem.

If she is unwilling to do any of these things, you then have two choices:

1) Just resign yourself to be in a sexless relationship, (of course, you`ll always have your hand), or,

2) Move on and find someone that does have a healthy attitude toward sex.