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Divorce, the Kids, Family and Me
Dr. Neder:
How do you end a marriage where one partner is happy and wants to
continue, but I've been miserable for over 15 years. The relationship is
over, the kids are grown but they won't even discuss the divorce.
I want to write down the reasons the relationship is dead and the reasons
to separate and my goal is divorce. Each time I try however, my partner
cries, throws tantrums, calls the kids into it and family and friends. The
drama is way too much.
I want to get out with a bit of dignity and want the drama to end.
Help!
==============
Hello!
So, you're looking for an easy way to end a marriage where you won't have
to deal with the hurt and pain of your partner? That sounds pretty cold
and callous to me, especially after 15+ years! You saw something in this
person when you got together and first married them. Don't you think your
spouse, kids and family have a right to be involved in all of this? I do.
They are directly affected by it even if you don't really care about that.
That doesn't mean that you shouldn't split if you need to - especially if
you're "miserable". But be aware that this is a one-way street. You don't
get to come back and create new heartache for anyone involved if you end
this. That's equally selfish - maybe even more so. As well, get to this
and get it over with. All you're doing is creating further drama by
lingering. Would you cut a dog's tail off piece by piece? Of course not -
you'd do it all at once and get it over with. Doing otherwise is cruel -
just as it is to prolong this inevitable break-up.
Ok, let's get on to the split.
To do this, you have to decide absolutely that you are going to move on
this time regardless of the drama and any problems that creates. I suggest
you work out an exit plan by where you detail all the things both you and
your spouse are going to need, a suggestion about splitting the assets (by
the way, be GENEROUS in the giving and meager in the expecting), living
arrangements, even arrangements with the kids. Try to be as organized and
complete as possible. Then, go see an attorney - all without telling your
partner first.
When you get most of the details worked out, go to your partner and
explain that you're ending the marriage for good and be firm about it.
Crying, including the family, etc., isn't going to prevent the inevitable,
so you want to do this as cleanly and quickly as possible with the least
amount of damage to everyone involved. I suggest that you have your
reasons for the split detailed as well, but focus solely on you and what
you need/want in your life - NOT a list of grievances or complaints about
your spouse. They have enough to deal with here. You also want to begin
the split immediately and should already have everything in place for this
to occur within 24 hours.
Finally, work your plan. Don't hedge, hesitate, vacillate or change your
mind. This is difficult enough for everyone involved. If you really want
to split up, get to it and be compassionate about everyone's feelings and
pain. They deserve that from you.
Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all
email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingaman.com for answers. For more
information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volumes I &
II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion
group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.
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