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Fear, As a Motivator
Dr. Neder,
You most likely already know why I'm emailing you so I'll get to the
point.
I have a problem with a girl. I've sunk so low as to looking articles up
on the internet because I care about her so much that I don't want to
screw it up. She's one year my junior and we are in the same music class,
playing the same instrument, and are currently working together on a small
ensemble with another girl.
She's really pretty and I've known her for just over a year. The problem
is. I can't talk to her the way I want to. Sure, I seem cool and composed
right now, but that's because I communicate easier through the keyboard
than I do verbally. Unfortunately, I don't know her email address.
I don't make friends easily, and that's part of my problem. No matter what
the outcome, I truly don't want to lose her as a friend. But I'm dead
scared that if I tell her that I like her she'll start avoiding me and she
won't want to be my friend. I'm really at a loss. I don't know what to do
about this. It's starting to affect me negatively. I'm stressed out about
many things other than this as well. But my mind keeps drifting back to
her.
I care about her a lot. And I like her on more than a physical level. What
it comes down to is this: what the hell can I do?
Thanks for your time...
Hello!
You've "...sunk so low..."??? Remember: I WRITE those articles! I don't
think its "low" at all. Where in the hell are you going to get this
information if you haven't found it yet???? I think the Internet is a
great place to get information if you're careful about what information
you seek, and whom you get it from.
Ok, get this through your thick skull: you can either have her as a
"friend" or you can have her as a "girlfriend". You can't have both. If
you're afraid of losing her friendship, then you're just going to have to
love her from afar and never, ever tell her about it or do anything about
it ever. If you do, you're going to lose her friendship permanently.
That's the way it is.
On the other hand, you might actually get her as a girlfriend.
What is it that you want? If the friendship is so important, you can stop
reading this reply right here. Now you know what you to do - nothing.
On the other hand, if you DO want something more with her, you're going to
have to get over this idea of the friendship. In fact, women don't make
good "friends" for us guys. They never have, and they never will. That is
the fact.
If you want to have something more with her, you're also going to have to
get over your fears. Fear will prevent you from doing all sorts of things
in your life - including having the relationships you want. If that's ok
with you, be my guest and enjoy all the fear you want. You don't need my
help on that one!
Being afraid, being shy, being a pussy, etc., are all ways you prevent
yourself from getting what you want in life. You're either going to live
the life of "quite desperation" or you're going to go out and take what
you want from it. As a young man you have the luxury of choice right now,
but that's not going to get you anywhere with this girl - and she knows
it.
Women are pre-programmed to seek out men - not little boys. That means
that as a "man" you're going to need to do the things to move this
forward, such as asking her out. That may seem pretty scary at first, but
how scary is the idea of not having her instead? Frankly, you may have
already sunk into the "friend zone" with her. I suggest that you get
moving and stop being afraid.
Just tell her that you've enjoyed getting to know her and would like to
know her better on a personal level - starting with this next weekend.
Tell her that you'll pick her up on Friday night to get started.
Best regards...
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all
email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more
information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volumes I &
II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion
group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.
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