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Fighting Keeps Ending My Relationships!
Doc,
I need help. I don't know if something is wrong with me or if it’s the guys I choose to date. I can't seem to stay with a man more than 9 months or so.
The last 4 men I've dated all lasted around 7-9 months. The first 4-6 months are bliss, then out of nowhere we start to bicker over dumb stuff and it just keeps piling up until neither of us like to be together and we break up. I'm currently dating a great guy and I see it happening and it scares me. He does little things that make me mad then I do things to irritate him and we end up not liking to be around each other and neither of us wants to just give in and apologize and make amends. I love him and he's good for me. I just wish I could stop time so 9 months never goes by. How can I help to make this last more than 9 months? I feel like I'm cursed!!
Hello!
No, you're not cursed. Here's what I think is going on:
When you and a boyfriend start to fight, you're seeing it as a problem - not an opportunity to grow. Fighting can be about power struggles or it can be about establishing new ways of being a couple. To do this, look into the long term. When you fight, start saying things like, "In the next two years we might feel differently..." and "I want to get to know why you feel this way..." The point here is to be looking into the future - not the present.
A fight is often a way of establishing territory in the relationship, but some people use it as a way to try to make the other person something they aren't. If your fights are about this, perhaps this isn't the guy for you in the first place, and the relationship shouldn't be anyway. If the two of you are ready to throw in the towel without trying to find a way through the issue, trust me, there's no relationship worth saving there.
The bottom line is this: relationships take work. They are difficult and fighting can be either a way to grow as a couple or to destroy the relationship. You have to decide which it's going to be. The time to do this isn't when you're angry - it's when you're starting to form the structure and tone of the relationship. Thus, talk about this up front. Decide what you're going to do when challenges come up. Are you going to stand your ground or are you going to compromise and work things out for the good of the relationship? If you don't learn how to work them out, you'll never have a relationship that lasts more than 9 months.
Best regards...
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Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.
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