If you want to be a master in the bedroom you’ve got to be great at foreplay, there’s no two ways about it. And to be great at foreplay you’ve got to understand that the goal of foreplay is to set up the connection and understanding between you and your lover.

Let me be really clear – great sex isn’t about scoring, or what kinds of acts you can talk your partner into that he/she wasn’t too keen on in the first place, or how many times you yourself achieve the big "O.” Great sex is about you and your partner getting it on in a way that thrills you both.

Now I don’t mean to say that you should be keeping a little score book in your nightstand drawer making sure each of you has the same number of orgasms, no, let’s be grown ups. But if you’re the one who always wants sex and your partner is always too tired or has a headache then something’s out of balance. And that something out of balance is most likely that your partner isn’t feeling desired in the way he/she needs to feel desired, or isn’t finding you as desirable as he/she needs to in order to get into the thought of sex – or he/she just isn’t having nearly the fun during sex as you do.

It really is just about that simple. And if this is where you are with a longtime partner then you need to step back and reacquaint yourself with serious foreplay.

The same is true of anyone in a brand new sexual relationship.

Why?

Because most of us are very lazy when it comes to sex, caring more for our ego to get attention than really connecting with another human being on a physical level and learning what we need to learn in order to really make things sizzle. With long term partners we tend to go on auto-pilot doing the same old thing, in the same old way, never stopping to recognize that human beings learn and grow every day (unless we’re living in a box) and our erotic self is a curious creature always looking for new ways to be thrilled, excited and stroked.

If we’ve been out of the game for awhile sometimes our longing has been pushed down for so long that our desire, and our need to be desired, makes us rush forward clumsily into sexual encounters that we’re just not prepared to handle with our head (and I mean the larger one) screwed on at all straight.

When our ego runs the show, we move forward into sexual encounters (and I’m including flirting in this) looking mostly for ways to gage a possible lover’s reaction to us, and in our looking for proof of their desire we tend to become sexual "performers” rather than being in the moment.

Great sex, however, is all about our ability to be in the moment. Great sex is right here, right now.

It’s so much more than rushing into getting naked, but we’ve become so use to fast food that we completely forget the possibility of a gourmet meal.

We’ve got to get away from the idea (especially men) that foreplay is something we have to do for "x” amount of time so we can move forward to the main event of intercourse. Intercourse is amazing, it’s fantastic, but men have an easier time enjoying it and that can create an imbalance of pleasure during sex so that the woman becomes resentful (sometimes quickly, sometimes very slowly over time) and finally just doesn’t want to go through the motions anymore.

Because for some women that’s all intercourse is – motions she goes through for her lover. But it doesn’t have to be this way – and foreplay’s the place to wipe the slate clean and start over. Foreplay is the place to start a new fire burning.

So let’s go over some crucial basics, the basics of the senses that get rushed through when our ego takes over:

Touch
This is the foundation of everything. How does your lover like to be touched? Where does your lover like to be touched? And how about you? Every inch of skin on the human being’s body is sensitive to the touch, and appreciates being stroked and caressed and paid attention to. What part of you and your lover has been ignored? Feet? Hands? The neck? Talk about it. Ask questions. Learn something new.

And how about variation? For some of us who usually rush frantically through sex taking the time to slow down and use a light soft caress can be a time of total relaxation and serenity mixed with the wonder of desire. Silk scarves and feathers twirled across the naked body bring forth amazing sensations (which can be heightened by having one lover blindfolded during such expeditions). Those of us who’ve kept things controlled and slow and gentle can find new erotic excitement by picking up the pace, adding the element of surprise by either asking our lover to take more control, or if we ourselves can be in charge.

Scent
Make an effort! Change the sheets, light a fragrant candle, and put a vase of fragrant roses or lilacs next to each nightstand. Find a new perfume or cologne to wear for your lover – or go the opposite way and go for a hike together, and keep up the double entendres and sexy talk the whole way and then rip each others clothes off at home (or in the pup tent) when you’re just as sweaty and real as God made you both.

Taste
Each one of us have our own unique taste and fragrance, the combination of which is incredibly alluring to our lover – but too often we don’t speak up and let them know. We don’t celebrate each other. Nor do we often take the time to recognize just how crucial to foreplay the act of eating together can be. Summer’s here, why not have a pic nic with your main squeeze and share an erotic meal together in some secluded spot of a park? What could be sexier than feeding each other a simple but delicious meal with our fingers?

Sight
Dress up for sex. Put on that garter belt and stockings you bought long ago but never had the courage to wear. Put on those red silk boxers. Put on a strip tease for your lover (that goes for men as well as women) showing them your best dance floor moves. Have fun, laugh, and most of all make an effort for each other. Remind each other what attracted you in the first place.

Sound
To get on a sexy groove why not put on a sexy groove? When was the last time you remembered to put on a soundtrack to add ambiance to the event of sex? And how about each of you making a cd mix of your favorite sexy songs from puberty until now and then sharing with each other just why they touched your libido…

By Grant Day
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