      
|
ADD: BedroomInsider.com To Your Home Page
ADD: BedroomInsider.com To Your Favorites
Habitual Self-Sabotage
Hi Dr. Neder!
Whenever I might meet a woman and things look good, like we're talking
pleasantly, (and this is right at the first or second meeting) all of a
sudden I start to feel "self-conscious". I can explain exactly what I mean
by this: it is the exact same feeling I imagine I would have had if, when
I was about 13 and masturbating in my room late at night, and someone
would have peeked through my curtains and seen me.
I become utterly wrapped up (in my thinking) that this casual encounter,
with it's casual talk is OBVIOUSLY sexual, and also it's OBVIOUSLY sexual
to any casual bystander, whether that might be someone near us who is
shopping in the same store, or whoever.
This has grown now to the point where I cannot relax and continue the
conversation in a casual manner. I might think in my head, "Oh, I should
just say to her right now, 'Hey, you wanna go screw?'" I'm not at all
relaxed, and I get all pent up with anxiety.
Help!
=========================
Hello!
This probably isn't as tough a problem as you think it is. What's actually
going on is that you've been spending time (probably years) actually
practicing and reinforcing this behavior. It probably started by happening
once or twice, then you started getting fretful about it (believing it was
coming on again) and added additional weight and emotion to it which gave
it more importance. Thus, your mind continues to bring it forward every
time.
Actually, the solution isn't really that tough. There are just a few
things you need to practice to get over all of this. If you're consistent,
this will not only go away, but will actually enhance your skills with
women! Here are the steps:
1) Relax! Don't make this problem any bigger than it really is. It
probably seems huge right now, but it's not. You're going to get it solved
once and for all, so don't give it any more worth in your mind than it's
really due (which is almost nothing)
2) Start to believe that you're going to get over it. See yourself (in
your mind) as having complete confidence with women and being completely
calm and relaxed while you're talking to them. That thing that used to
happen is now a distant memory.
3) When you feel like this feeling is starting to come on, "reframe" that
energy into something else. Simply redirect it into being excited to
actually score with this woman instead of feeling embarrassed. You'll need
to practice this in your mind over and over again. Try to sit in a
comfortable, quiet place and just walk through it in your mind. Imagine
looking at the woman through your own eyes, talking with her, having her
laugh at your jokes, etc. Then, imagine that feeling of self-consciousness
coming on.
Really try to experience it just as you would when talking to a woman.
Then, at the instant that you get the feeling, turn it around into
powerful confidence! Imagine smiling at her slightly like you know you're
going to score and even saying to her "Wow - it's so obvious that you're
turned on by me!" These are powerful images and you're effectively
reframing one bad practice into a new one! Do this over and over again
until it seems like second nature. You really need to practice this. For
much more on reframing check out my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World
II" - it goes into this and many other concepts about power and confidence
in great detail.
4) Since this usually happens after you've talked to a woman for a while,
you might be able to use some negative reinforcement. Here's how this
works: carry a rubber band around with you at all times. Never allow
yourself to be without it in your pocket. When you're talking to a woman
(or in fact, at any time you have these thoughts), excuse yourself and hit
the bathroom. Take that rubber band out of your pocket and for just an
instant, relive the negative thought. The instant you feel it, stretch the
rubber band between your thumb and first finger, place this against your
front thigh, pull it back and give yourself a painful pop with it! This is
the punishment phase of the exercise.
Next, reframe that thought into something more powerful and confident.
Actually imagine going back to this woman with a new attitude and talking
to her without this burden. Then, while you're living that good, positive
feeling, rub the pain out of your leg. This is the positive reinforcement
phase of the exercise.
5) Finally, if you find that any of this isn't working for you, you might
be mildly obsessed with this negative image and might need to visit a
therapist (psychologist or hypnotherapist) in order to get help with this
reframe. If so, and you're in the Los Angeles area, let me know and I'll
refer you to someone I trust.
These tools will really work for you if you practice them consistently.
You don't have to live like this anymore - go get it solved!
Best regards...
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all
email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingaman.com for answers. For more
information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volumes I &
II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion
group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.
|
|
|
Popular Articles on BedroomInsider
Sex Positions
Erotic Sex Positions
"Did you know that the deepest you can penetrate the vagina with your penis is "behind her with her leg cocked up and to the side”.
Threesomes - Show Two Women A Good Time
"Coincidentally making a threesome happen is easier than you think, here are some helpful tips."
Spanking During Sex
"Sometimes nothing feels better than having that ass spanked like you are in trouble!"
How Can Women Be Great In Bed?
"What does a woman need to do for a man to say, "Wow, She is great in bed"?
Sex Tips
Rough Sex
"When is the line crossed between pleasure and pain?" You must have balance.
Top 20 Sex Tips
"20 Surefire ways to keep the girls wet and ready for any occasion."
The Best Condoms
"The best condom in the world feels like you are naked and does not break!"
Men - Ice And Masturbation
"The first trick of the trade is ICE CUBES. If you want to have a BLAST!"
Dating Advice
Virgins
"TAKE IT SLOW. Take your time and communicate, because communication is the foundation of Sexual Compatibility."
Tips On Blind Dates
"Plan a DAY DATE – Day dates are cheaper and shorter, plus you get to see it all."
Top 10 Dating Tips For Meeting Men & Women
"These tips are designed to encompass most aspects of the real world expectations of savvy singles."
Just How Does A Guy Meet A Girl, Anyway?
"I've never really known much of anything about dating. I'm 26 years old and I've never had a serious relationship."
Seduction Articles
Sexy Films To Get Her In The Mood
"If you’ve been looking for a way to get your gal in the mood, and if having her check out your favorite porn is definitely not something she’s interested in doing, this should help."
How to Pick Up Women In Bars and Clubs
"When women go to clubs and bars, they have their "Man Shield" firmly in place."
How Being Persistent Can Get You Laid
"In order to master any skill and accomplish any goal you need to break it down into what I call "bite sized chews”.
BedroomInsider.com - Browse Our Reader Favorites:
|
