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Dear Melissa:

Here’s a question maybe you can shed some light on for me. I’ve recently realized that a lot of women I’ve been with in the past really respond to my fourplay and enjoy it very much. But it seems that I do most of the work (touching, caressing, kissing, teasing, massaging) while they sit there and enjoy it.

This doesn’t bother me if it’s only for a while, or the first hour, but beyond that I have never received any reciprocation towards me in the same manner aside from the intercourse that usually follows. And aside from me basically saying, "Okay, your turn to do what I just did for an hour to me.” I have yet to figure out why they don’t give back (most of the time). I myself love to initiate fourplay and please my woman, but why have they rarely done the same back?”

Do women think men don’t need to receive any fourplay, or very little at best? Have you come across any studies or other people with the same question?”

M.

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Dear M:

Your question is a really good one. Thank you for inspiring an article. The problem isn’t that most women mean to lay back and be greedy (well, not usually) but that we women often still see ourselves (as does society) as objects of desire rather than full-fledged sexual beings. Many women just don’t know how to take the initiative and show the man a good time – or if they do – they’re afraid to (especially in a new relationship, or during something that may not be more than just one night) because they might be labeled a slut, or just too sexually forward for the man to deal with. Sad to say men still do this, especially if they’re insecure. Also, men in their mid 30’s and up tend to still have more of a double standard for the sexes (though this is a gross generalization and each person is unique). For the same reasons many women just don’t know how to tell a man what they want and need in bed in order to feel satisfied either because they’ve never considered it their job or priority.


Fourplay Is Important

Also, I have to be honest and say that I believe many women see fourplay as their just desserts for having to go through intercourse in the first place. You see, there’s still a very big disconnect between men and women and their enjoyment of intercourse. I’m not saying that there aren’t women who enjoy intercourse, or that women who don’t currently can’t learn to enjoy intercourse (because I do believe that with concentrated effort by both parties it can be figured out), but I am saying that if 60-75% of women NEVER orgasm from intercourse (depending on which poll you’re looking at) we’ve got a big problem.

And no one’s really talking about it. We see Viagra and Levitra ads on television, but we don’t talk about the huge gap in orgasms during intercourse between men and women and what can be done about it. Many in the media are still putting forth the idea that women don’t need orgasms as much as men do. To that I say "so why do women still not enjoy intercourse as much as men?”


Give Women Orgasms Through Fourplay

Here’s my theory in a small nutshell: If men weren’t having orgasms from intercourse they wouldn’t want to have it that often either. If the women who currently can’t and don’t orgasm from intercourse could find a way to do so they’d probably want sex more often than men.

A big part of the problems is that women lie about having orgasms when they don’t so they won’t hurt a man’s feelings – or – if they don’t outright lie, they pretend through sounds and body movements that they’re experiencing the same sensations the man is (often women will do this simply to make the man more excited and get him to orgasm more quickly, because, well it gets really boring and painful to have long bouts of intercourse when you yourself aren’t in a state of bliss).

And another problem is that men don’t ask. Society has so focused male sexuality on men’s ability to get it up and keep it hard to "perform” that the crucial concept of needing to connect and communicate with each new partner (or even an old one) has been pushed aside and often lost.

Bust first before we start talking about communicating let’s step back a moment and look at the clues to figure out whether a woman is just selfish in general before you get in bed – because yes, that can certainly be an issue. Here are some things to look out for:


Generous People Give Generous Fourplay

· Beware of women who don’t value your time. If she’s late when you pick her up, if she cancels dates at the last minute, and if she spends time talking on her cell phone to her girlfriends while the two of you are spending time together (especially in the very beginning) she really doesn’t value your time and as such is showing she doesn’t respect you. Chances are she’s not going to be interested in being generous and giving in bed.

· Beware of women who can’t or won’t talk about sex up front. If she can’t even tell you her values (like she needs a commitment), can’t talk about safe sex, can’t let you know ahead of time her turn ons, she either is too shut down to be at a place of really opening up and sharing sexually or she isn’t interested in sex that much to begin with.

· Beware of women who’s set themselves up to be objects of desire by being overly obsessed with their appearance and keeping it perfect. Yes, women are obsessed with their appearance, and often the more beautiful and sexy in appearance often the more obsessed a woman can be – but sooner or later you have to shelve these worries if you want to enjoy your partner and yourself in bed. If a woman is all about keeping her manicure and pedicure perfect, and every hair in place, she probably isn’t going to be interested in doing more than laying back and accepting your sexual affection.


Fourplay And Good Communication Equals Great Sex

Okay, so now let’s talk about the all-important fact of communication. For great sex it needs to be done up front before you’re both hot and bothered. You’ve got to be clear with women about your wants and needs and ask her to share the same (and yes, in most cases you are going to have to be the one to do the initiating of this type of talk). We’re all too quick to get naked with strangers, but cringe at the thought of having to talk about protection (a necessity), or our likes and needs.

But here’s the deal, when you communicate from the start, before any of your clothes hit the floor, each of you moves into your sexual encounters knowing what the expectations are. Why go into anything this important blind?

Men are just as tactile and sensitive to touch as women, but many women don’t realize this because they’ve spent almost their entire adult lives trying to slow men down sexually. Basically they see men as sexual freight trains roaring towards an orgasm – who will occasionally take a pit stop for some fourplay ahead of time (forget afterwards though – sorry but this is the case for many men).


Verbal Fourplay

Talking about sex (and I don’t mean verbal fourplay, I mean honest communicating) is tough but you’ve got to do it if you want better and more rewarding sexual encounters. You’ve got to let women know what you like. I think it would be fantastic if new couples (or even just those hot for each other) could decide o take intercourse off the table in the beginning sexual encounters. Why not just have a couple evenings of fourplay for both parties to share what they enjoy, ask questions, and bring each other to an orgasm without it?

Also (though this certainly isn’t an issue in many cases, is something to consider) most women don’t compartmentalize the different aspects of their lives as well as men. Men can be quite conservative in many aspects of their lives (say politically and socially) but we wild and open sexually. But if a woman is conservative (and spiritually devout) they often haven’t put much thought into their sexuality to developed it. They’ve put that on the shelf for the "right” man (meaning a long-term boyfriend or husband) to help them discover, or they even expect the man to be able to "un-leash” it as if life were a romance novel and she the virginal heroine.


Is She Shy? Ease Into Fourplay

If a woman isn’t good at talking about sex and the wants and needs of both of you before getting naked she probably won’t be any better afterward. Others, however, just need some time to ruminate on the subject before opening up. Give a woman a fair chance, but don’t become a sexual doormat if you want an equally scintillating sex life for both parties.