I am 19 years old, and I have a normal orientation to women my own age. However, all that changed since I started having the hots for my advisor.

I have invited her a couple of times to dinner, and I`ve found out that we think in the exact same way. We have the same taste in music, and had the same type of family problems.

The obstacle is the 10 years between us. I also realize that she hasn`t been successful with her previous relationships and that she lacks something in her life – love. It isn`t that I just want to hop in bed with her, but I simply can`t express my emotions to her. I have been going crazy thinking about her night after night, and every time I see her around, I just feel awkward.

Is there anything that I can do? How should I approach her? The big thing is that I am leaving next year, and I have only a short period of time, six weeks to be exact, but will be back again in August.

Thank you very much.

Dr. Neder answers:

One word of caution: you`re not in love with her; you`re in love with the IMAGE you have of her in your mind!

This is an important distinction because she is a different person than you`ve built her up to be. Don`t worry, this is common, but it is an important point. Try to step back a little and realize this fact. It`s going to make it easier to deal with everything.

Has she shown you some "buying signals" during your dinners together, or have they just been "working dinners"? If you`re getting some interest from her, you can test the waters by turning the conversation to her. Find out about her past relationships, what she enjoyed and didn`t enjoy about them. When she tells you about some jerk that did this or that to her, just say, "Well, I`ll never do that to you!", then give her a wink. This is going to set her off-balance because she won`t be expecting it, and it will also "set the stage" for you to turn this into something else.

Another thing you`re going to have to do is nail her down as to her real interest in you. Is she accepting your dinner invitations because she wants a free dinner, she`s lonely and wants someone to talk to, she feels it is her duty as a teacher, or because she actually likes you? You can try some "test closes" like the one above. In fact, try a few of these things; joking that, "If WE were together, I`d never treat you like that!" and saying, "We really seem to be a good match!" Keep these sparse however. Don`t do too much. In fact, do very, very little of it!

This is important: don`t try to push too hard or fast - you`re going to scare her off. If she thinks you`re just going to try to jump into a relationship with her - her situation be damned - she`s going to bolt!

Think of this like trying to feed a squirrel. If you put the food in your hand and walk toward the animal, it will take off. If instead, you put the food in your hand, and put your hand on the ground, waiting patiently, the squirrel will eventually come up and take the food.