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How to be Open About Your Sexual Desires
The problem with sexual desire is that our lover can't read our minds. It
would be great if we could just download selected sexual thoughts onto a CD
and hand it to them to browse through at their leisure, but science hasn't
made this possible - yet. Until it does we just have to fall back on the one
reliable method we do have to let our lover know what we'd like to both make
and have happen - and that's good old fashioned person to person
communication. Yep, you've got to talk to us ladies.
Having said this doesn't mean, however, that I don't recognize that it's
still more of a challenge for many women to express their sexual desires
openly than it is for most men. Whether the reason you hold back from really
opening up with your lover is that you're shy, or you've been burned in the
past by a lover who had double standards (he felt it was find for him to be
blunt and open about what he wanted in the sack but was shocked and dismayed
when you shared your own ideas), or your upbringing was such that anything
to do with sex was so taboo that bringing up the subject still wracks you
with gilt, it doesn't matter. What I mean by this is that no matter what the
reason is that you're not open with your lover the results are the same -
you lose out on experiencing the most pleasure and intimacy possible because
your sexual relationship is relying mostly on the interests and imagination
of only one side of the partnership - his.
No matter how passionate, compassionate and interested in your sexual
pleasure your lover may be, he isn't a magician who can hand you exactly
what you've imagined and longed for on a silver platter. You've got to open
up and share your secrets.
Don't worry though, I'm not going to abandon you with this command and not
give you some helpful hints to get there. Here are a few tips to help you
feel brave and sexy:
Follow the Advice of the Quote Above and First Be Honest With Yourself First
This is crucial. You can't be open about your sexual desires with your lover
until you've been honest with yourself about just exactly what they are. Of
course sexual desire isn't a static thing, the ideas that thrilled you and
turned you on as a teenager might not be anything exciting to you now, so it's
important to check in with yourself regularly and figure out where you are.
Also, do your best to put aside your resentment if your love life is far
from what you'd like it to be. If you haven't been honest with your lover he's
only been working with the material at hand. You own half the responsibility
of what goes on between the sheets. It isn't his fault if he's not as
imaginative and thoughtful as you'd like him to be if you haven't let him
know just what it is that sparks your flame.
Start Slowly
Be kind and gentle with both yourself and your lover. There's no need to
screw up your courage to blurt out absolutely every lustful idea that's ever
occurred to you all at once. That would be a lot for anyone to handle, even
the most open lover, if you've never done it before. Make it easy on
yourself. Take baby steps. This way you're not going to give him performance
anxiety to try and "get it right".
Why not start by telling him that you'd like to see that new thriller
because you think the stars are really sexy? This will get him curious about
what else you think is sexy (especially if the movie stars Angelina Jolie -
she has that effect on people) and he may start asking you about it - be
prepared to share! Or show him some sexy lingerie from one of your magazines
that you like, and ask him to show you what he'd like to see you wear (just
be prepared that he might pull out different magazines from the bottom of
his sock drawer). Work your way from the easier topics first and you'll
probably find that the subject of "what's sexy" will take on a new life of
all it's own and soon you'll happily be talking together about fantasies and
wild locations.
Pick a Neutral Location For the Conversations
It might seem like the bedroom right before sex is a great place to tell
your lover something new that you'd like to try, but unless this is a
routine you've already established from the very beginning, it's better to
talk about sex and the new things you'd like to try in a more neutral
location. If you tell your lover a new list of things you'd like to do right
before you begin to make love he may think that he's been disappointing you
all along. Remember he can't have been disappointing you if you haven't told
him what you needed.
Avoid Accusations
Women have a tendency to grin and accept sex that's far from good for them,
and for far too long. This isn't the right way to handle things. You shouldn't
suffer just for a guy to get his rocks off. You deserve to have sex that
makes you feel great just as much as men do, but if you've been holding back
from opening up to him and then blurt out your fantasies and desires in an
accusatory way that makes him feel that you've been miserable all along you're
asking for trouble.
As much as men can be big dense idiots most of us really want to please our
lovers. The problem is that women's sexual needs don't come with instruction
manuals like our stereos do. If you've asked a man for what you need more
than once and he's ignored you that's a totally different story, but if this
is your first time of opening up take ownership of the fact that you're shy
and you've held back but you realize it isn't being fair to either one of
you to continue this way. He'll be grateful to you for using tact, and for
being honest.
Allow Him to Share as Well
Recognize that once you begin sharing your sexual desires he's probably
going to feel okay with sharing the ones he's kept secret as well. Be open
to letting him. Give and take is important in an exciting, thriving sex
life.
By Grant Day
Copyright © 2007, BedroomInsider.com
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