How/where do I finish this maddening psychosis? So I don`t lose another fantastic woman for this same reason?

Regards from pussville (Edited for length)

M


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Dear M:

This is one of those "is the glass half full or half empty?” scenarios, or perhaps more aptly, it’s just like Dorothy with her Ruby Slippers and having the ability to go home all along if she’d just clicked her heels together three times. You haven’t lost your balls, no one’s taken them from you (I’m sure if you check they’re hanging where they always have), because otherwise you wouldn’t even have the courage to date women let alone be in relationships with them that last a few years.

But that being said – yes – you havebeen given some challenging programming to overcome. It’s not going to be easy, but it’s certainly doable if you can start to reframe your thinking about yourself and what your real challenges are (and of course these are my opinions, you’re an adult so you need to do what you feel is right for you).

Deal with Your Anger

First off you’re angry rather than gelded, and rightly so. But I imagine that your Mother is currently in no place to deal with your hurt and angry feelings. It sucks, I know, but it doesn’t have to hold you back from dealing with your anger about the past. What you need to do is work on expressing this anger in a positive way that’s going to be constructive towards your healing. Understand that suppressing the anger doesn’t work. It always finds a way to come back and bite you in the ass when you least expect it. I’m sure you already know this because you admit to passive/aggressive behavior. Here are two great ways to deal with your anger as it comes up:

1. Keep a journal for your anger. Write from the gut. Write from the heart. Write out every angry awful and hurt thought that comes to mind. Write even the things that embarrass and mortify you. Get it out; knowing this is not something you ever need to show to anyone else. This is a place for pure emotional expression. But also do something positive as well – write what you wish had happened instead. This might be a challenge at first because you’re used to being the victim. You’ve got to start using your imagination to create what a positive childhood would’ve been like.

2. Write your mother letters. You don’t have to ever send these letters, especially if you feel it won’t do any good at this time. It may seem like a futile effort but it isn’t, because again you’re dealing with your feelings rather than letting them fester. If you don’t send the letters do something symbolic to release the anger for good like saving them up for a month and then setting them on fire on your outdoor barbecue (obviously you want to be safe about it).

Put Yourself First

This is easier said than done – especially without becoming a total asshole about it. The human tendency, of course, is to go overboard, to go from being a complete doormat where everything is "fine” (as you write) and you’re there for everyone to becoming an angry recluse who watches way too much T.V. Yeah, sure, you might spend some time on the couch, but what’s the most important is to start to discover what your real interests and passions are. At present you seem not to have a clue.

And don’t start with women; this isn’t the time to start picking up on women who’ve had too much to drink at lonely bars, or to be obsessing over anyone. This is the time to do your homework on you. What have you let go of in the past that you wish you hadn’t? What have you always wanted to try but haven’t had the nerve to? Look into taking some adult education extension courses at your local college, do research online, and most importantly get yourself out physically to discover more about what ever it is that you think you’d like to know more about.

Finally, if you haven’t done so already, restrict the amount of time you spend with anyone who brings you down – including your Mother (if you haven’t cut her out of your life completely). There’s nothing more difficult than building new rules of conduct for yourself with those who make you feel bad about yourself. Now you may feel you need to spend time with certain negative people. That’s okay – but you take the reins of both when and how you do. For example if your Mother expects you to spend every Sunday doing errands with her, or helping her fix things around the house, tell her in advance you can only do it twice a month because you’re taking a class, starting an exercise routine, dating a new woman blah blah blah. Make it a positive excuse and tell her what you’re willing to do instead. Don’t leave it open ended for her to find a new way to rule over you.

Retrain Your Thinking

All of the self-help books and counseling sessions in the world won’t do you any good if you don’t change the way you actually think about yourself. You cannot not think negative thoughts (unless perhaps you’re Christ, or the Buddha). It’s just human nature. What you can do instead is switch a negative thought to a positive thought as soon as you catch yourself thinking it. It’s also tremendously helpful to recognize your humanity with the negative thoughts and to view them with a detached air and a great amount of humor when you catch yourself at it again…because this will happen about a thousand times a day in the beginning, and will dwindle down to hundreds of times a day once you’re a pro.

It’s also a very good idea to know yourself well enough to realize when you fall into your most negative thinking. If it’s in the car make sure you always have a book on tape, or cd (it doesn’t have to be "self-help” just something that captures your attention) to listen to instead of letting your negative tape run in your head. If morning is your worse time change your routine to have a little bright spot in it to look forward to. The more enjoyable you make your life the easier it is to keep your thoughts positive. Bad, unforeseeable things will always happen to knock us out of our calm, so why not make day-to-day life as pleasurable and happy as possible?

Find Positive Male & Female Role Models

You don’t mention you Dad, and I feel this is significant. Your Mom may have done a dreadful job raising you, but she at least stayed in the picture while you were growing up. Do your best to step back from the situation and view it with a more detached viewpoint. Your Father is equally to blame even if he disappeared, or was a nice but only-available-occasionally sort, or used the excuse that your Mom was a ball buster to disappear. I highly recommend getting in touch with your anger at him (if you haven’t already done so) and do the same exercises I mention above in regards to this anger.

Now the next step is very important in your reprogramming. You need to find positive male and female role models and you need to be conscious of why you feel they’re positive. We live in a very fragmented society, all of us working working working so we can go home and cocoon ourselves in front of our TV’s and computers – however – positive role models are out there if you’ll make an effort to find them. You mention going to therapy – I’d make sure you see a male therapist that you really admire. Keep track of characters in books you admire and why, and motivational speakers and teachers that you like. Also look for active members in your community, in organizations such as Toastmasters and the Rotary Clubs who might be the sort you can look up to.

Tying it All Together

The most important thing for you to remember is that just like Dorothy you already have the power to go where you want to go – it’s all right between your ears. So keep reading bedroom insider and consider investing in our great Dating Insider book for even more powerful tips to get you moving in the right direction.