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Is He Jerking Me By Jerking Off?
Doctor:
I need some clarification. My husband has masturbated taking a bath when I am ten feet away in bed. This upset me because I was right there and I felt as if he did not desire me or if he picked fantasy with masturbation over have sexual intercourse with his wife.
I have been trying for the longest time to get my husband to openly tell me; without me asking, when he masturbates because it turns me on and I want to know his fantasies. It seems as if he has a problem with being intimately open in that manner, but yet he will masturbate in front of me when we are intimate. I am so confused that I am starting to think my husband is addicted to masturbating.
I have also asked myself if he has a sexual orientation problem. Before we got married I asked him to stop looking at porn on the internet and he said ok. Well I was on the computer one day and found a few down loaded porn movies. Well, I confronted him by asking him if he had been going to those sites or not and he bluntly lied to my face. Then I told him, come see I have something to show you. Then he blew up.
Also, when husband and wife watch a porn movie together and then have sex, is the husband enjoying and thinking of his wife or not? I know it is only natural to find someone attractive, but I think that going to the extent of thinking of them and getting off is wrong and some what cheating in a marriage.
Well, I think you know what I mean.
Hello!
Let's see here, you confront him, complain to him, henpeck him, nag him, spy on him and you're surprised that he is underground about all of this? What in the hell are you thinking????
You have a very severe insecurity issue going on here. Yes, I already know what you're thinking, "But *he* caused it!" No my dear, he didn't cause it - you obviously had it before he met you. This has nothing to do with him - it has everything to do with you. More on this in a moment.
Let's deal with the masturbation issue first.
Many people (both men and women) sometimes prefer masturbation over sex. Frankly, it's just easier and quicker! 90% of the time, men do most - if not all - of the work during sex. Many women feel it's fine to just lie there and be "done". If a guy's going to have to do all the work anyway, it's often just easier to do one job rather than two - or more. Let's face it; you girls are very complicated when it comes to sex.
All of this doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or find you sexy. In fact, it has nothing to do with that at all. It's just a matter of convenience. Further, when you're spending your time concentrating on someone else, it's very difficult to work on your own sexuality! That is what private masturbation can be all about - growing one's own sexuality.
Now, let's talk about the porn, fantasies, etc.
If you've read many of my articles, you're going to learn something very important: men are not monogamous. That's just the way it is. Neither your husband, me, your father, or any other man is monogamous by nature. That's the way we're wired. However, we can CHOOSE to be. This is obviously what your husband has chosen.
By looking at pornography and fantasizing away from you, he's not treating you or your relationship with disrespect at all. In fact, he's helping to insure that his promise about being monogamous to you is kept! Porn and fantasy are safe ways for men to explore our polygamous natures while still being faithful to our partners. Stop seeing this as a threat, and start seeing it as the benefit to your marriage that it is!
For you to set him up to fail by spying on him, asking him about it and then busting him on it, all you're really doing is telling him that he has to be better at hiding it all! Is that really what you want: for your husband to work even harder hiding it from you, or would you rather have him bring it out in the open and feel comfortable with it - and you? I thought so.
Now, back to you:
If you think you're going to be able to nag him into only doing sex the way you want, forget it. What you're actually doing is killing off your own sex life with him! Do you think all of this makes you sexier in his eyes? Don't count on it. You're actually pushing him further and further away by introducing all sorts of added stress into your marriage.
Here's my suggestion: (warning: this is going to mean that you're going to have to grow up): let up on him completely about the porn and masturbation. In fact, you should even encourage it. Tell him that you've come to your senses about it, and you want your sex life together to be rich and full, and that you realize that anything that helps him with his own sexuality also helps your sex life together. At the same time, I suggest that you feel free to masturbate too. Use this time to grow your own sexuality. Trust me, you need it.
Then, when you get together and have sex, make it fun! Take away the pressure and get back to the exploring that you use to have when you first got together. Have lots of great, powerful, playful, fun sex, and feel free to masturbate together if you enjoy that. Find out (again) what he wants in the bedroom, and tell him what you want too - even if it seems "unusual". Frankly, there's nothing "unusual" in sex - it's all been done before. Give him room and freedom to enjoy himself and it will all come back to you in bed.
Finally, start working on yourself. You don't need to feel under attack by any of this. It can be a very powerful way to grow your marriage - or you can continue to do what you've been doing all along and work to break it down. The choice is yours.
Best regards...
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Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.
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