I am in a situation that may not be as weird as it seems but I want some advice. My ex and I called it quits about 2 months ago. We are still pretty into each other and a couple of weeks ago decided that we would just fuck (pardon the crudeness) each other, safely of course. We have created a set of "rules" most of which he has broken. The big one being that we are not allowed to say that we love each other. I still care about him but I am not in love with him. Is this going to work or are we just kidding ourselves for some incredible sex?

Dr. Neder answers:

First, we`re all adults here. We can say things like "fuck" and "shit" - I just draw the line at "doing `it`" and "down there", however.

Frankly there is no reason why this can`t work if you`re enjoying it. I`m not sure why the "rules" are so important to you, and in fact, anything said in the middle of sex is inadmissible in my book anyway. Many people use the word "love" to heighten the sexual enjoyment and don`t mean it in the same way as they would when they say it over dinner for example.

As I talk about in my new book, there are hundreds - maybe thousands - of different relationship "formats". Being in a committed relationship is only one of these as are being married, or "fuck buddies". There are many, many others. Perhaps you and he have found a situation that works for you and just because it`s not "traditional" doesn`t make it any more right OR wrong than any other format.

Here`s what I suggest: first, review your own relationship goals. Are you hoping to stay out of any relationships for the time being and just have a sexual partner? Do you want to have a sexual partner while you`re looking for someone else? Are you hoping to eventually put things back together with this guy? Any of these - or any other format - are all "valid", and as long as you keep your eyes on your goals you`ll do fine.

Now, let me address the other side of this for a moment.

If your goals are to find someone to have a solid, committed, sexual and emotional relationship with, this sexual one may actually get in the way. You`re going to have to stay diligent to keep this in perspective in order to not have it impact your search. I say this because too many people focus on the sex and ignore the emotional component. That`s fine if it`s your goal, but if not, don`t use sex to replace emotion. These are obviously, (or perhaps not so obviously) the same thing.

Also, if you find some guys you want to start dating, they probably aren`t going to be thrilled with the fuck buddy relationship if they are looking for something more with you. While you don`t have to come out and spill your guts about your life to anyone, you have a responsibility to the people you`ll meet to not give them false hopes, or let the just assume that things are certain ways when they are not.

Thus, you should decide to let this fuck buddy thing go when either of you find something you`re more interested in. Make this one of your "rules" if you haven`t already, and keep your eyes open to your needs, the needs of your "friend" and the needs of any new potential partners. That`s a mature, responsible way to handle this sort of relationship.

Until that time, enjoy the sex, care for yourself and your partner and keep working on your goals.