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Is Sex All There Is?
Dear Sex Doctor,
I'm a 35 year-old male, was married for 12 yrs and have no kids. I've been divorced almost 2 years and I feel like I've been flung out in the singles world to flounder around alone.
I have probably gone out with 7-8 girls since my divorce. I would say that only 1 of them ever really had my attention and desire for commitment, but she broke it off. The other women were all very nice but I never really felt that complete connection with them. I was intimate with about every one of them.
Before being single again I was not very confident at all. However, these women made me feel desired and my confidence level increased. The problem is; while we were being more intimate, they were becoming deeper "in love" with me. Now these girls were awesome people but I did not feel that I could be committed (as in "married") to any of them. I suppose I'm relying too much on that major connection/chemistry to happen.
One of my problems is that I feel terrible having started with them and getting intimate and realizing soon after that there was nothing there for me to want to continue with them. I am not a pressuring guy at all but these women just about jumped on me and coming out of a non-intimate marriage, it's difficult for me to resist those advances. When I tell them I don't really want to commit, their hearts are broken.
I guess what I'm also saying is that lately my routine with these new women I'm meeting have been the same. Within the first week, we're in the sack and I barely know them. Doc, I'm willing to wait for the ONE but I haven't found one that has the combination of mutual chemistry, affection and intimacy.
Does this scenario exist; or am I dreaming? Point me in the right direction...
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Being recently divorced, I'm a little surprised that you equate being committed with being married. The fact is, marriage is only one form of relationship - even a committed one - and you should consider the quality of the relationship well before the format in my opinion.
Regarding the connection issue you're feeling. The trouble here is that you're selecting the wrong women. This is being done for two reasons:
1) You are not finding the right "types" of women - you are probably choosing women that are too much like you in very specific ways, and need to find opposites. Getting into all of the issues regarding "types" is far beyond the scope of this email. Suffice it to say that there are specific types of women you need to be finding, and avoiding the others.
2) You have no written goals. In building your relationship future, there is nothing more important than writing out your relationship goals. These need to be very specific and complete, and this work will result in a plan. You see, if you don't have any goals for yourself, the very next woman that walks by is the right one! With goals, and an action plan, YOU get to choose which women are want to build relationships with.
Right now, your only "plan" is to make up for the lack of intimacy you had in your marriage. There's nothing wrong with that plan for it's own sake, but if you rely on it alone, you're going to start feeling, well... like you do right now - empty.
The discussion of "types" of women, and setting goals, and building your plan are very large discussions. I strongly urge you to check my website for some information on this, and in fact, I devote an entire chapter to "Communication Types", and three chapters to creating your plan in "Being a Man in a Woman's World" and I strongly urge you to pick up a copy.
The bottom line is this: you need to know yourself first. Discover what it is that makes you connect and feel strongly toward a woman using examples from your past relationships, and then document this and build a plan to accomplish your goals. Is this work? Yes, it is, but then, you deserve to have the relationships you desire.
Have a love, relationship or man/woman question? Dr. Neder answers all email. Write him at dwneder@remingtonpublications.com for answers. Learn about his book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", at: www.beingaman.com.
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