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Keep Her Off Balance
I'm not a fan of "manipulation" or "head games" in relationships or the
whole singles scene.
One tactic that I think is important early in the meeting process with a
woman is to ensure that you do not instill in her a sense of false security
and stability.
Women are used to having the upper hand in all things having to do with
relationships. I don't believe they do this maliciously, but it is a power
and control issue with all dating situations.
I'm going to propose something very controversial, but I believe works out
the best for everyone in the end:
Keep her off balance.
What I mean by this is that you do not want any woman feeling too secure or
cocky about how you feel about her or the hold she's got on you.
This goes back to a key principle of human behavior: The things you are most
attracted to are the ones that you are not certain about. Uncertainty breeds
an incredible gratitude for the times when you're rewarded.
Training for the more intelligent animals (dolphins) is done by what is
known as intermittent reinforcement. This means that once a behavior is
trained, you will get more consistency by only rewarding an animal at
irregular intervals - not every time. This has been proven time and time
again in tests, and it's just as true for men and women.
You've probably experienced this in your own life. Have you ever had a woman
who was inconsistent - or hot-and-cold - with her sexual interest? You never
knew if you were going to get some. When you did, you felt the reward, but
the other times when you didn't you were being trained because you were more
likely to work for the POSSIBILITY of sex the next time. Perhaps work even
harder.
If she wants a kiss, give her one, but not when she asks for it. Then, when
she leans in for a kiss, you hold her off - nicely. "Whoah, there. Are you
trying to take advantage of me?"
Another way to keep her on her toes is to always be ready to say something
controversial. Then, a few seconds later, appear to say something to
contradict it. (Be sure to never change your opinion to match a woman's. A
far better tactic is to take an area where she agrees with you and change
your mind on her.)
If you are talking to her, and she goes to the bathroom, disappear on her
before she comes back, then walk over to her a few seconds later.
Inconsistency is the key to driving her desire up. Consistency only sends
messages to her subconscious that you are a man she could RELY on, but that
doesn't make her LUST after you.
You can use an analogy of rides at an amusement park:
Consistency is the Ferris wheel. Ho hum. Boring. You go up, and around, and
back down ... and up....
Nothing fast. Nothing unknown. Just a tall view and look around the area.
Nice, but NO thrills.
Inconsistency - Surprise, danger, thrills - are found on the ROLLERCOASTER.
Get her in the front car and start her heart racing with the unknown.
You have to get her on the right ride if you want to get where you want to
go.
Keep her off balance, so she doesn't know what's coming.
With that in mind, I received the following question:
********************
Question:
--------------------
Wouldn't that attitude of keeping her off balance ruin a marriage and put a
lot of distrust in it ?
After all it would be hindering her feelings of security.
-------------------
Well, first off, this is "Dating Dynamics," not "Marriage Dynamics." I've
said countless times that you must use different strategies in the early
days of dating than you do later on.
And, let's keep in mind that I'm not talking about constantly undermining
trust. I'm not talking about acting sneaky or deceitful.
I'm talking about introducing an element of UNPREDICTABILITY.
Life is very predictable, almost boring in its regularity and consistency.
Women don't thrive on the ordinary and usual - they enjoy the dramatic and
thrilling. (Think: Soap operas, "The Bachelor," andy 'reality' TV show,
etc.)
Everybody does. Why do you think we get so excited to rubberneck at an
accident? Or how we all gravitate to talk about the lurid crimes of passion
in the news? We need this drama to inject some excitement in what is a VERY
predictable existence.
We're born. We go to school. We work. We pay taxes. We die.
Day to day, you pretty much know what's going to happen. We all wait for the
possibility of the UNKNOWN. While there's always the possibility that
anything COULD happen, it rarely does.
Let's talk about security for a minute.
What is "security"?
Do human beings really thrive and grow in "security"? No. We want security
as part of a relationship so that we can:
1) Feel protected
2) Feel able to open up and share more intimacy
These "security" requirements are only necessary in a long-term or exclusive
relationship. And you can't possibly get to that stage without a certain
amount of excitement and energy that only UN-predictability gives you. You
can't get to this point without igniting the fuse of her PASSION.
PASSION and PREDICTABILITY are on the opposite ends of the spectrum.
If you try to make a woman feel too secure too fast, you ruin everything
that she wants to feel when it comes to the excitement and unpredictability.
When you give a woman too much "security" early on, what you're telling her
at a subconscious level is that there is nothing interesting or
unpredictable about you. A woman needs to feel inspired to start feeling
attraction for you.
It's like the starter motor on a car. When you turn the key, this little
motor spins your engine quickly in a short period of time so that it can get
to the point of firing up the cylinders on its own and start cranking under
the power of burning fuel and oxygen. Without that initial burst of energy,
the engine would never get going. The same thing applies to women.
One of the biggest illusions about women and dating (and sex) is that women
need to feel secure with a man before she will date him or sleep with him.
NOT TRUE.
How many times have you seen women sleeping with the guys who were bad-boys?
How many women have you known who have had one-night-stands? (More than you
think, and more than admit it.)
How many times have you seen a woman take in a deadbeat slacker without a
job, who sleeps on her couch while she goes off to work? (It's not an
epidemic, but it does happen quite a bit.)
How many times have you heard a woman complain: "I just don't know why I
love him ... he's so unstable and wild ... He's unpredictable. He's not the
kind of guy I would marry..."
But he's the kind of guy she would sleep with. Funny, huh?
"Sexy" and "Security" are almost never spoken in the same sentence. They
evoke totally different feelings in a woman. You'll never hear her say:
"Wow! He's so stable and reliable! I feel so secure and he totally TURNS me
ON!"
NOT!
When she's ready to settle down, she'll do that with a man who is
predictable and ... well, a little boring in certain ways. When she's ready
to start a family, she wants that long-term security. That boredom is a
signal to her primitive mind that this guy will be a provider and stick
around. It's in her genetic imprint.
It's my firm belief that you can start a relationship off with a woman in
one of two ways. Think of this as a fork in the road you come to when you
meet a woman. There's a sign and an arrow pointing down each path, and
here's what each sign says:
Path to the Right - "Start off by getting her excited and thrilled. You turn
her on with humor and teasing. She gets frustrated at times, but always
stimulated. You're different than the other 50 guys who came on to her with
no personality or challenge. Her attraction drive is engaged and she falls
for you. You get to have sex, love, marriage -- whatever you want."
Path to the Left - "Start off by being a 'nice guy.' She sees you as another
man who can't excite her by being a vibrant personality - sexually charged -
and instead she begins to see you as a 'friend.' All because you couldn't
get her excited enough to engage her attraction for you. You wind up wanting
her romantically, and she ends up telling you she wants to 'just be
friends.' You get neither sex nor the relationship."
Think about it again, guys. What do you want? The way it SHOULD BE, or the
way it ACTUALLY IS?
Yeah, we all SHOULD BE getting laid all the time, by any woman we treat
nicely and give flowers to, but it rarely happens that way. We SHOULD BE
able to make a woman feel "secure" and she'll just jump us in a heartbeat.
BUT ... it doesn't really work that way. So, while you weep and lament about
that for a while, I think we should recognize that it's okay to not give a
woman all the security she wants up front when it ALWAYS works out better in
the long run to give her what she really NEEDS and responds to.
We're humans, with intelligent control of our emotions, but so few of us
actually are ever able to get that control. Don't fall under the illusion
that we respond emotionally to logic and reason. We don't respond to things
because we SHOULD.
I may not have gone into much more detail on the strategy of keeping her a
little off balance, but I think it was important to explain the reasons why,
and so that we can start to get rid of that monkey on our backs, the one
that tells us that if we don't cater to a woman's every whim and need (i.e.,
"security," "romance.")
In the early stages with a woman, SECURITY = BORING.
Security comes later.
Passion FIRST.
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