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Manipulation And Game Playing

Dear Sex Doctor,

My ex-boyfriend and I have been going together ever since January of 1996 and just last March he broke up with me. I just can't figure out why we broke up. I can honestly say that he is my true love.

Throughout the years we have broken up like three times. I mean it was like we broke up today and get back together a day or week later, but this time was different. He doesn't want me to call or write him or any contact whatsoever. The only reason that comes to mind why he had broken up with me is probably because I didn't have sex with him when he had wanted it.

I told him that I didn't want to and he had asked me why. I simply said, "I had my reasons". He didn't say anything for a while and then like about few minutes later he had asked me again, but I still told him no. Later, he decided to end things with me. I had asked him why and he said that he "...had his reasons". I still want to be with him. What can I do in order to get him back? I am in love with him and everyday that goes by I think of him. Please help me!

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The phrase, "I have my reasons" is just blatant manipulation, pure and simple. I don't blame him for not wanting to put up with that game. I wouldn't either. If you or any woman had ever tried to pull that on me, I'd be out the door and into some other woman's bed faster than you could say it a second time!

My question to you is why play that game in the first place? And, don't tell me that it's ok because he said it back to you. That's just more game playing. Obviously, you had a sexual relationship, and now you're changing the rules all without explaining it to him? Frankly, in my opinion until you grow up, you don't deserve a long-term relationship with him or anyone!

If you want to ever get him back, (and frankly, I'm not sure you can do this now), you need to correct whatever it is inside of you that would cause you to do such a thing in the first place. You see, relationships are built on trust, closeness, openness and communication. That one little phrase says, "Well, I'm changing the rules - I no longer feel compelled to talk to you about how I feel, or why I feel it." That's absolutely, 100% wrong headed thinking!

If you choose to no longer have sex with him, that's your right, but don't expect him to just live with the situation. He has a say in it too, and that say is to do exactly what he did - move on to find someone that meets his needs. Even if you had a "valid reason", that's no excuse to pull this little game.

Once you get this corrected in yourself, you can then approach him, apologize and explain why you did it, and why you now know it was wrong. You owe him at least that much. If he takes you back, feel lucky. Frankly, my students, most of the men I know and me wouldn't - and believe me, it's not about the sex.

Have a love, relationship or man/woman question? Dr. Neder answers all email. Write him at dwneder@remingtonpublications.com for answers. Learn about his book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", at: www.beingaman.com.
 
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