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My Girlfriend is Married
Dr. Neder:
After reading your contributions elsewhere on the Internet, writing you
seemed to be the only sensible thing to do. You see just as so many before
me, I too am in love with a married woman.
Going strong for the past six months, our torrid affair is seemingly
blissful with no end in sight, wherein lies my quandary. What effect(s)
might our affair have on our future together?
We've known each other for five years through mutual friends, but recently
became reacquainted six months ago. Both of us are in our twenties; she
three years my senior. I'm a junior in college, while she's in her last
year. Neither of us have any children, although we'd both like to have
many. We live in different cities down south with an eight hour drive
between us.
Since we began seeing each other romantically we spend one or two weekends
each month together; usually where we grew up, where our families, her
best friend, and great memories reside, although we occasionally go on
trips out of town.
We're madly in love and spend every hour thinking of each other. We talk
on the phone until our ears fall off and write each other via snail mail.
Why aren't we together you ask? She tells me it's difficult for her to
rock the boat so severely. She's probably grown accustomed to her
lifestyle. The holidays are upon us. I just don't know. Without ever
giving me any phony dates by which she might be divorced, she's at least
remained consistent; consistently unable to commit. Should I give her an
ultimatum with some type of projected date for her to at the very least
retain an attorney?
I'm looking for any help I can get in this matter.
=====================================================
Hello!
Here's the bottom line: she's using you for the sex, emotional support and
ego-boost she's not getting at home. It's that simple. Further, she
doesn't have enough class to do the right thing by her husband and his
family and instead simply lies to them without regards. How does that
sound?
Consider that this is almost a pathological problem! If she were to ever
divorce her husband to be with you, (and frankly, why should she do that?
She's only interested in you for what you're giving her), she'd still be
the same liar she is now. The only difference is that she'd be lying to
you instead of her husband. Simply telling one truth (about not promising
you a divorce date) doesn't make her "truthful". She's discovered that
you'll accept things as they are.
You have other problems with this relationship including the fact that you
both are so far away. Distance is always a relationship killer. Her lying
is going to come back to bite you as well. Believe me, her husband isn't
the only one that is being lied to here. I can assure you that she's lying
to you too about something. When it gets this bad, it's not really about
lying verses the truth; it's only about the lies.
What about her relationship with her husband? What exactly does she get
from it? Is he wealthy and she gets the benefit of his money? Is he
powerful and she gets status? You see, love would compel her to move away
from all of this, and that is the last problem I'm going to bring to light
for you - she doesn't love you. If she did, she'd be rushing headlong to a
divorce attorney so that she could have you entirely. Right now, she
doesn't need to because she's not in love with you.
So, you question: "Have I seen other relationships like this one that
worked?" The answer lies in your goals. If it's only for the sex and
weekend companionship, then, yes - they work. However, you seem to want
more, and that's where you're going to fail with this one. Trust me.
Best regards...
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all
email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingaman.com for answers. For more
information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volumes I &
II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion
group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.
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