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Problems Of Living Together
Dear Sex Doctor,
I am in a 7-month relationship and about a month ago we left the state and moved in together. We argue a lot, and he says that I get mad at him everyday and that I am mean to him.
I admit that sometimes I do get mad over little things but he exaggerates situations. I feel like he doesn't appreciate anything that I do or say. It also seems that he doesn't want this relationship to grow. I am in love with him but I don't think he is in love with me.
About a year ago, he broke up with his girlfriend of 5 years, (they used to live together). I really don't think he is over her. While unpacking our stuff I began looking at his photo album. At least half of it was pictures of her. I asked if he could maybe take her pictures out; not to throw them away, just not to be on display in the album and he refused, getting angry with me for even asking.
He also had a few of her old note pads that had her name on them and he wanted to keep them for around the house--you know taking phone messages and stuff. We got into a big fight with him saying they're just note pads.
I don't know what to think. Please help!
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It sounds to me like there's some other underlying tension in this relationship. Perhaps he wasn't ready to move in together with you, or that he feels other pressures - such as to get married when he's not ready.
You might want to consider exactly what you want from this relationship. Are you willing to move out to save it? Many people work fine as couples as long as they don't see each other every single day. You may be one of these.
Further, how much of your fighting is really just "posturing". That is, how much of it is just trying to stake your territory. The photo album is an example of this. Remember: he had a life before he met you. She was part of that life. Just because he still has these pictures and the note pads doesn't mean that he's hoping to get back with her. He's just collecting parts of his life.
There are many adjustments to make when you move in together. I recommend that people spend some time discussing how the relationship will work BEFORE they make that move. You obviously haven't and now are fighting about all the little things you should have worked out before, such as:
1) Chores - who's responsible for what job.
2) Finances - who contributes what amounts or who is responsible for what bills.
3) Things - You had to "merge" your things and there are often duplicates. Which things stay, and which things go, and which things will you have to buy new? There should also be a budget for these things.
4) Time together - do you have an idea of when you'll spend "together time" working on your relationship?
5) Time alone - what about your own personal time? You need this time to grow as individuals.
6) An exit plan - Yes, I know you just moved in together and you're hoping for a blissful co-existence. But, what if it doesn't work? Do you two have a plan to separate as easily and painlessly as possible?
Since this is still a young relationship and has a chance of working. I'd suggest the following:
* Clear an evening with no interruptions - TV, phone, work, etc., and sit down and talk about what's going on. Do this soon - within the next week. Your talk should include what you BOTH want from the relationship AND the situation. Focus on the short term right now - don't try to add long-term plans, (marriage for example), in all of this, you have enough on your plate right now.
* Agree to a transition period where you both will avoid fighting and conflict while you "settle in". Give yourselves at least a month for this. After that time, you can sit down and review what about your plan is working and what is not. Also include a review schedule. Plan to come back to this in a year and see what has worked and what hasn't.
* When disagreements happen, decide that instead of reacting to them, you'll sit down to discuss them - not to win, but to compromise. Living together successfully is all about give and take. Don't expect to get something without giving up something in return.
* Agree that it's ok for you both to be alone sometimes - or even with friends. You should both have your own personal goals and plans for your own life as well as your lives together.
* Don't look at his past life as a threat to your relationship. He's with you now.
Finally, living together is a very difficult thing to accomplish successfully. It takes a very high level of maturity and willingness to compromise. Further you have to keep the focus on what's best for the relationship - not for yourself alone. If you can do this, you'll have found a type of success that most people miss.
I wish this for you!
Have a love, relationship or man/woman question? Dr. Neder answers all email. Write him at dwneder@remingtonpublications.com for answers. Learn about his book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", at: www.beingaman.com.
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