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"Right-Sizing" Your Relationship
Dr. Neder,
My fiancé and I are to be married in 3 months. We've been having problems
for the past year. We've been great friends for 10 years. We fight over
trivial things, but she gets emotional and makes consistent put-downs
about me, says she's depressed and unhappy with me. We both have tried
desperately to make the relationship better - I went to relationship
counseling and she attended a few times, but really wasn't interested in
what the councilor had to say. She and I both have realized that our major
quarrels are not about our initial fights, but the way in which we fight
which we both agree goes like this.
I will say or do something that makes her upset, she reacts with emotion,
and starts calling me and my family all sorts of names, and I get
defensive. I have tried to work on my part of the situation - not making
her upset and not engaging in the argument, but when I try to back-off she
gets more upset at me for not reacting. I'm in a catch-22.
Moving in together 1 year ago may have been the worst thing we've ever
done. I realize that this is our 'sort of' first year of marriage, with
all the growing pains of getting used to someone else, but things haven't
let up. I'm torn between going ahead with the wedding on the basis that
outside of the piece of paper, we're already married and this is
inevitable for all couples, or that I'm learning how this person really
will treat me the rest of my life now, and I should get out because I
can't accept this.
She says I need to be more accepting that she is an emotional person and
that she often says things she doesn't mean (I'm not nice, not hopeful
over our future, constant put downs), but that is not good enough for me.
All my efforts to make things better, the nights out, the days off spent
together, the little things throughout the day that I try, all become null
and void to her after our fights and she says she's equally happy and sad.
She doesn't leave me because I think she loves me very much, and since she
already views this relationship as a marriage, it would be like failing
her, her marriage, and her families opinion of her (they don't think
highly of divorce).
Personally I don't know what to do. For 2 weeks we'll have a great time,
then a major disaster sinks in that takes 2 days to fix. It's like
clockwork, and has been for the last 8 months.
I personally think that we should not be married until we fix these
problems, but she thinks that putting off the marriage = the end of the
relationship.
I don't want to lose her, but I can't live with the constant emotional
reactions and roller-coasters. I wish she would start to control herself
and talk to me about her feelings. In my opinion she is surrendering
control over the situation - she says it's the way she is and I have to
accept this.
I have no where else to turn, please help.
===================================
Hello!
I'm about to give you the most important piece of advice you'll ever
receive, and I hope you take me seriously about it: don't marry this
woman.
My brother, you have a very severe problem on your hands. You're seeing
only the tip of the iceberg right now. She's actually on her best behavior
in looking forward to the marriage! Can you imagine what you're life is
going to be like when she no longer has to worry about that little aspect,
and she has everything she wants?
This name-calling and put-downs are simply a symptom of a much greater
problem - lack of maturity, respect, courtesy and consideration of you and
your family. She is in love all right - with the idea of being married. To
her, (and to many women) this means that they've "succeeded". Most all
women define themselves, and their level of success by their
relationships. If they reach the finish line (by being married), they feel
worthwhile and successful. Men do something similar but with their jobs,
not their relationships. Personally, I think being successful in your work
life is contributing something of important value, and is a better
indicator, but then, I digress.
The bottom line is this: just because you moved in due to your pending
marriage, it's not written in stone. In my latest book, "Being a Man in a
Woman's World II" I talk about the concept of "up-sizing", "down-sizing"
and "right-sizing" your relationship. The point of this discussion is to
find the balance in your relationship that fits.
Marriage and living together obviously doesn't fit your relationship, and
marriage rarely makes a relationship "better" - only different. Trust me
on this one: you're in a very bad situation right now that is only going
to get worse by being married. The only time to be married is when: a) you
want or already have kids, and b) you're absolutely sure you're in the >
most perfect, relationship you can have.
No doubt you're getting a lot of pressure from all sides on this one -
including her family. You need to put these pressures aside and see this
for what it is.
I suggest that you begin by calling off the wedding. This isn't going to
be easy, but if you don't do something right now, you're going to wind up
married to someone that just thinks you're trash - even though you've
given her exactly what she wanted.
Then, decide if you need to move out from each other to rebuild your
relationship, (I think you do). Get set-up separately and begin working on
the relationship problems. Don't just assume that they're not there
because the stress is off. This needs some work, and continued counseling
for BOTH of you may be the key.
If you need more information on how to do this, check with "Being a Man in
a Woman's World II".
Best regards...
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all
email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more
information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volumes I &
II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion
group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.
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