Sex is one of the greatest pleasures known to man, and yet with our male obsession over ranking the sexual allure of possible partners (yeah, okay often only in our fantasies), our constant worries over "performance anxiety,” and the often bazaar and strenuous gymnastics people twist themselves into performing for popular porn, an alien zapped here from outer space to study us would come away assuming sex is a competitive sport rather than a pleasurable activity.

And you know what? Basically they’d be right – at least for the male of our species. Isn’t it time we asked ourselves what’s the hurry? What’s the contest? Why are we rushing to get through sex? Why do so many of us only feel truly studly when we can mimic the wild variations and jackhammer speed of porn stars? Why do we so often act as if the faster we can get to an orgasm the greater our prize?

And when I talk about rushing to orgasm let’s be frank – we’re rushing to our own orgasm because we’re either totally confused about what a woman wants sexually in the first place, or we assume she’s having an orgasm just the same way we are (never assume anything in sex, but I’ll get back to that later).

The irony is that the opposite is true. At least if sexual pleasure is the prize you’re going for. The longer you delay sexual gratification, the more tension you allow to build up, cool off slightly, and then build up again, the greater the intensity of the orgasm when it finally does happen – for both men and women.

So okay, let’s make sure I’m getting through to you here – the longer you take getting to the orgasm by kissing, caressing, pressing, licking etc. (which all are tremendous pleasurable in themselves with the right person and the right techniques) the bigger and better the orgasm will be – for both of you.

So I ask again – what’s the rush?

True, sometimes we feel we just don’t have the time. Sometimes our schedule is just too full, and we’re too tired, and we have too many other obligations to take a nice long time for sex so we just want a little quickie to make us feel better, more alive, more connected in our own skin. No problem. But let me let you in on a very important secret – you’ll drain your sexual bank account with a woman very quickly if "quickies” become a habit.

Successful "quickies” need to be set up thoughtfully, and no matter how tough and overwhelming your schedule if you don’t make "dates” for long, slow, passionate nights of sex with your woman you’re going to end up with a woman who has a lot of headaches when you want to get nasty.

Before I let you in on how to set up successful "quickies” let’s get back to my comment about never assuming anything in sex. Why can’t you assume? Because first great sex happens when there’s great communication between two people, and secondly, each person’s unique. So what worked with your last girlfriend might make this woman wished she never agreed to get naked with you.

Don’t assume anything. Always ask. Yes, women are often squeamish about speaking out and letting men know what they want sexually (what they want done around the house is a different story, as we know) but you’ve got to think of yourself as a detective and get to the truth – because what she wants and needs in order to be sexually thrilled is likely very different than what you want and need.

Graham Masterton, arguable one of the most straight talking, honest, and explicit of sexual advice givers has done extensive research on what both men and women want and need sexually. He writes in "Secrets of Sexually Irresistible Woman” what women have shared with him were their sexual turn-offs:

1. Intercourse too fast.

2. Only rudimentary foreplay.

3. Sex too rough.

4. No kissing.

5. Same position and location every time.

6. No erotic pillow talk or sexual compliments.

7. No post coital cuddling, or kissing, or expressions of pleasure and satisfaction.

8. No attempts to satisfy the woman manually or orally if she failed to reach an orgasm.

9. Complete unawareness and/or lack of interest in whether the woman had reach orgasm or not.

10. No attempt to give the woman a second or third or successive orgasms – either through indifference or lack of knowledge that multiple orgasms were possible.

Study this list. In fact it would be a good idea if you memorized it, cause I’d bet money that you’re guilty (as I’ve been) of at least one of the above ten female turn offs.

And here’s the deal, when it all comes down to it, even if you’ve blown chunks-in-the satisfying-woman-department out of ignorance the results are the same. Women aren’t going to enjoy being in bed with you. Oh sure, you can have a serious girlfriend without being good in bed, you can even get married – but you’ll end up in the same boat, with a woman who avoids sex with you as often as possible.

So back to how you can successfully have quickies. It’s easy. You’ve just got to figure out how to keep your woman on a low sexual boil so she’s ready for a quickly. You’ve got to figure out how to both mentally and physically keep her engine revved by engaging her imagination and all of her senses. She’ll happily grant you quickies so long as she’s getting enough of the type of attention and pleasure she needs to be sexually happy.

So I ask you again what’s the rush? Slow down, and take your time to learn new ways to enjoy yourself with your partner. Take time to build the pleasure and the pay off will be worth the wait.

By Grant Day
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