I ran across some articles that you wrote, and found on Remington Publications online and looked at the book, `Being a Man in a Woman`s World.` I have not as yet read your book but I am so interested in it that I am planning to purchase it today.

I am a 24-year-old virgin. I have chosen this for myself because I have not been able to find `the one` person that is compatible with me as yet. And also then I still plan on waiting till I get married to have sex. Also I do not think that teasing a man is good, or turning him on just to let him down. So I do not engage in kissing, rubbing up on someone ect. My question for you is. When is it a good time to let men know about my ideals? I have been telling them straight up what I`m about. But this has lead to me being single so long. I need advice in this, because I`m confused in how to handle this now.

Secondly I have had only one boyfriend. This was when I was younger about 15-16 years old age. He respected my wishes and me. I was insecure about our relationship. I wondered why he was dating me when there were so many other beautiful women out there. So when a `friend` told me he was cheating on me I believed her. Needless to say, It was a bad decision on my part. I have not stopped thinking about him. We lost touch when I cane off to college. But I have never stopped thinking about him.

What should I do? Please help me decide.

Dr. Neder answers:

Since you`ve written to me for my opinion, let me offer it: you are wrong, wrong, wrong about all of this! If you ever have another boyfriend with that attitude, you`d better consider yourself the luckiest woman on the planet! As to when you should tell someone about this decision, I think it should be within the first paragraph of meeting him!

I don`t personally know of any man that would ever allow himself to enter into such a "relationship" and frankly, I often advise men to NOT do so! It is a very unhealthy, risky thing to do. If you`ve chosen this lifestyle, fine, but please don`t expect another human being to "respect" you for it. It`s just foolish.

Why do I say this? Simple. You have absolutely NO skills, because you`ve avoided learning them. What are you going to use to keep your husband "happy" in this fantasy relationship you imagine? Of all the things you need to learn, sexual/physical capability is among the most important! Believe me on this one! I don`t know of any guy that is worthwhile that would accept such a ridiculous situation. You may find him, but I`ve never seen one.

So, you may find some guy that would tolerate a sexless, passionless, premarital relationship with you, but frankly, what are you telling him? Only one thing: he`d better expect a sexless, passionless marriage too. Now, don`t write to me telling me that isn`t the case, because frankly, you don`t know! You don`t have any experience to say either way. I have the experiences of my own highly sexual life, along with over 5,700 letters in the last few years!

If this is a religious decision, I strongly urge you to join a convent. This is the only practical way in which I believe you can have what you want. You can completely avoid sex, physicalness, passion, etc., and have a "marriage" with God instead.

Barring that, I think you`d better expect to be alone the rest of your life, but know that at least you stuck by your beliefs. Personally, I wish much, much better for you than this because I think you deserve it.