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Testing By Proxy
Dear Sex Doctor,
I have bought your book and enjoyed it greatly. I've always done well with the ladies and reading your book had taught me another trick or 10. I'm also of the though that it's a good idea to get other points of view and so I subscribe to a couple of other dating newsletters and the likes, but you're information has been the foundation for anything else that I read to work though.
In any case I have this question. I was in a long-term relationship with a very cute girl with one hell of a temper. She was a brat and I told her so on many occasions. I don't consider myself weak by any means so this was not the problem and I certainly passed all the "Tests" that were attempted on me. Long story short, enough was enough and my 2-year relationship ended on a very good and positive note. I know that sounds strange, but my Ex and I were always better suited to being buddies than anything else, it just so happens that it took us 2 years to figure it out. The sex was amazing and that alone was the glue that kept us together for such a long period.
It has now been two years since my ex and I have stopped being a couple and it's been about 1.5 years of honest to goodness friendship. Everything was fine until recently that is. You see, I have noticed that she is trying to "Test" me once again on certain small things. It's not very apparent but I'm pretty sure that this is what's happening.
The actual question I have is why are these tests happening. My Ex (now my friend) and her boyfriend are both people I consider my friends, she's more of a personal friend than he is but that's beside the point. They also seem to be happy and have been together for a year. He treats her differently from what she was used to with me. He gives into her demands and wishes every time; he apologizes for things that he doesn't need to apologize for etc. He exemplifies "wuss" behavior. I'm sure that you can guess that I didn't let her get away with walking all over me, when she asked me to do something, I would say no and if I thought it would be a nice thing to do I would do it but only when I decided to. I didn't burry her in compliments, in fact I gave very few. I busted on her a lot for silly things she did, etc. etc. etc.
As far as the tests are concerned, these days she has gone into old patterns in testing me by breaking a date. Nowadays they obviously aren't dates but just get-togethers. She tries to upset me to see my reactions on the silliest of topics. Basically every single "Feminine Test" on the "Books" she has been trying on me lately and I can't stress enough that this is something that has only manifested itself in the past two months.
I think I've just answered my own question but is it possible that she's trying to get back together with me? Also, if she is trying to get back with me then why does she want to get back together when we both agreed that we were like oil and water and parted literally as pals?
Thanks for all you do for us guys,
-------------------------------------------
First, congratulations on your success, and your obvious work on your own education! (Your diploma is in the mail!)
This is a very interesting phenomenon that I've seen a number of times with others and in my own life. The key elements are (1) you had a good sexual relationship; (2) that you are still friends; (3) that she is with a wussy guy now, and (4) that you passed her tests regularly.
What I think is actually going on is that she's "filling in the gaps" for her current boyfriend through your friendship, and is effectively testing you because he's failing! I've even come up with a term for this, "Testing by Proxy". In effect, she's getting her sex, companionship, support and maybe even love from her boyfriend, but she's still missing that masculine sense which she gets from you!
Interestingly, if you were to break up the friendship, two things would happen. First, she's probably break up with her boyfriend soon afterward. The reason for this is that she'd realize he wasn't giving her what she needed from him. That masculine part that she craves was coming from you!
The second thing that would happen is that she's start being attracted to you again. This need for the masculine counterpart in women is very strong. When women are with (or even around) men that can pass their Tests, they feel as through they can relax and be the feminine woman they imagine themselves to be. I've had many women actually tell me this!
If you ever wanted to start a sexual relationship with her again, this would be the exact way to go about it - break up your friendship first. In your case however, the downside to it is that you and she don't otherwise fit. You might consider a "friends with privileges" relationship if the sex was worth it, but then, I'm sure you already know how I feel about female friends.
Have a love, relationship or man/woman question? Dr. Neder answers all email. Write him at dwneder@remingtonpublications.com for answers. Learn about his book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", at: www.beingaman.com.
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