      
|
ADD: BedroomInsider.com To Your Home Page
ADD: BedroomInsider.com To Your Favorites
The "Inter-Dependent" Relationship
Hello Dr. Neder,
I have been reading some of your online advice and enjoy your practical
and no-nonsense approach. I am hoping you can help me out with a problem I
have.
I am a 40 year old woman, with wonderful and supportive family and
friends, my own successful business, as well as many varied hobbies and
interests. I am blessed with a rich and rewarding life.
Now I am at a wonderful point in my life. I have more than many dare dream
of, except someone to share it with. I don't lack for interested men but
it always turns out the same. Things start off well and then after two to
three months, they back off and just want to be friends. I am on friendly
terms with almost all my former boyfriends. A couple of them are among my
closest friends. What is frustrating to me is the fact that I was able to
maintain several long term relationships over the years that I was
struggling with my self esteem issues but am unable to even get one off
the ground since I have resolved them.
With every break-up I have been told over and over that I am wonderful
person, I haven't done anything wrong, and they think the world of me. I
don't know if they are trying not to hurt my feelings but common sense
says that if you repeatedly have the same outcome from different
scenarios... look for the common denominator. In this case, that would be
me.
Recently, I had a rather candid conversation with a friend (who is also an
ex) and what he had to say was that I am "perfect". He said that between
my personality, intelligence, emotional and financial stability, humor,
looks, and sexuality, he thought he had hit the dating jackpot. On paper,
I was everything he could dream of in a woman but ultimately it was what
broke us up.
After several months he began to feel that I didn't need him. He felt that
I had it so "together" that there really wasn't anything he could add to
my life. This wasn't true from my perspective. There was a lot that he
added to my life and I did my best to let him know how wanted and
appreciated he was. He said that I was too good at everything and while on
one hand he really admired that, on the other hand, in spite of being very
feminine, it made me seem more like "one of the guys" than a girlfriend.
It's a little hard for me to grasp. I am attentive and affectionate. I
have no problem expressing my appreciation of my partners both physically
and verbally. Still, I don't seem to be getting the message through to
them or perhaps I am misunderstanding what message they are hoping for.
Clearly, there is something I am just not "getting".
If you have some advice on how I can resolve this problem, I would greatly
appreciate it.
Thank you,
=====================
Hello!
Obviously, I don't know you or your situation. However, I've got a very
good feeling about the problem here as I see it quite often. It's
something I've written about extensively in my new book, "Being a Man in a
Woman's World II" - the "Independent Woman" syndrome. Let me explain.
Today, women are getting a barrage of messages from every form of media
regarding the value and quality of women; and indeed, women are very
important, capable and of value. This in itself isn't a bad thing, except
for the fact that it's been taken to the extreme. Today, women are
supposed to be "independent". In addition to this, men are actually viewed
today as superfluous and unnecessary or even evil!
There are so many examples of this in every aspect of our lives today and
results aren't good. Take a look at TV for instance. Men are constantly
portrayed as bumblers, fools, dolts, incompetents, second-players, the
butt of jokes, abusers, cheaters, homosexuals, etc., while women are shows
as strong, achieving, primary characters. Let me ask you this: if a
30-second commercial can sell you a product with repeated viewing, what
can repeated viewing, listening, reading of a 30- or 60-minute lifestyle
do?
You can imagine that few men either: 1) want to be viewed this way, or 2)
really are this way. However, this, (and many, many other examples I won't
get into) have lead to the "Independent Woman" syndrome. This is where
women tell themselves - and everyone around them, that they don't "need"
men. In fact, women DO need men - just like men need women. The result has
not been good for American women. In fact, there is a huge movement by men
to actually boycott American women for just this reason!
I constantly warn my students away from Independent women for this and
many other reasons!
Despite what the media would have you believe, here are the facts. Men and
women:
* Need each other.
* BOTH are important to a successful society and neither is superfluous.
* BOTH have something of importance to contribute.
* Are different and bring different things to the table.
* Don't compete with each other, but compliment each other in their own
sexual identity.
Keep in mind that men are being fed these images as well in a steady
stream. That's why men THINK they want an Independent woman, only to later
realize (like about 2-3 months later?) that they aren't happy when they
find them.
So, you may be asking, "What's the alternative?" It's a little thing I
call the "Inter-dependent Relationship".
This is where both parties realize that the other has special, unique
qualities that they bring to the relationship and they spend their time
glorifying those qualities - not trying to be more of what the other
person is. They believe and even state that they have needs in their lives
and that they are thrilled to have found someone that helps to fill those
needs. They revel in their partner's capabilities while still being proud
of their own. They focus on their strengths while accepting their
weaknesses because that's where they bond between them is formed; in
effect, by having those weaknesses filled by another, equally-worthwhile
person.
Compare your own recent relationships to this example. I'll bet you'll
find that this is exactly where they fall apart. Why would a man want to
be with someone that doesn't feel they need them? Why would a man want to
be with someone that thinks she's fully complete within herself and sees
them as superfluous? Why would a man want to be with a woman that doesn't
respect or appreciate his contributions and unique, masculine abilities?
Is the pattern starting to come clear?
One last point: don't confuse the Inter-dependent relationship with the
co-dependent one. Co-dependent relationships are where one partner gives
up their own persona and throws themselves fully into the relationship,
being absorbed by it. My "model" allows a person to be powerful within
themselves and still find the fulfillment that only a healthy, worthwhile
relationship - between two healthy and worthwhile people - can offer.
Best regards...
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all
email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more
information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volumes I &
II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion
group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.
|
|
|
Popular Articles on BedroomInsider
Sex Positions
Erotic Sex Positions
"Did you know that the deepest you can penetrate the vagina with your penis is "behind her with her leg cocked up and to the side”.
Threesomes - Show Two Women A Good Time
"Coincidentally making a threesome happen is easier than you think, here are some helpful tips."
Spanking During Sex
"Sometimes nothing feels better than having that ass spanked like you are in trouble!"
How Can Women Be Great In Bed?
"What does a woman need to do for a man to say, "Wow, She is great in bed"?
Sex Tips
Rough Sex
"When is the line crossed between pleasure and pain?" You must have balance.
Top 20 Sex Tips
"20 Surefire ways to keep the girls wet and ready for any occasion."
The Best Condoms
"The best condom in the world feels like you are naked and does not break!"
Men - Ice And Masturbation
"The first trick of the trade is ICE CUBES. If you want to have a BLAST!"
Dating Advice
Virgins
"TAKE IT SLOW. Take your time and communicate, because communication is the foundation of Sexual Compatibility."
Tips On Blind Dates
"Plan a DAY DATE – Day dates are cheaper and shorter, plus you get to see it all."
Top 10 Dating Tips For Meeting Men & Women
"These tips are designed to encompass most aspects of the real world expectations of savvy singles."
Just How Does A Guy Meet A Girl, Anyway?
"I've never really known much of anything about dating. I'm 26 years old and I've never had a serious relationship."
Seduction Articles
Sexy Films To Get Her In The Mood
"If you’ve been looking for a way to get your gal in the mood, and if having her check out your favorite porn is definitely not something she’s interested in doing, this should help."
How to Pick Up Women In Bars and Clubs
"When women go to clubs and bars, they have their "Man Shield" firmly in place."
How Being Persistent Can Get You Laid
"In order to master any skill and accomplish any goal you need to break it down into what I call "bite sized chews”.
BedroomInsider.com - Browse Our Reader Favorites:
|
