Let me be clear – I’ve lived in both worlds and I’ll take reality over lonely projected fantasy any day.

Here’s the deal, and here’s where even very smart men (sometimes especially smart men) fall down. Women are socialized almost from birth to be more pleasant and friendly than men are. We’ve all heard this somewhere, we’ve even recognized it ourselves in social situations where we watch women easily chat and converse and bond with other women at the speed of light while we men sit frozen and unhappy on the fringes, desperately wishing we could be a part of the party.

And yet the minute many a man lays his eyes on a woman who makes his libido drool, or his heart leap (or both) this knowledge goes quickly out the window and the woman’s regular ordinary every day kindness is taken for special interest in him.

Wake up Jethro! If you want to be happy in love, or even in sex, stop focusing your time and attention on women who are merely being friendly to you. The more you focus on one woman who isn’t at all interested the more you cut yourself off from the vast amount of possibilities out there. There are millions of single women in the world – why set yourself up for certain heartbreak, or even just unfulfilled lust, by focusing on those who don’t see you the same way?

Okay, you ask, but how do you know the difference? Women can be tough to read, tricky to figure out, I agree. This socialized niceness of theirs can throw you off – especially when it comes wrapped in an especially sexy package or it’s been a very long time since you’ve gotten any…

So let me spell it out for you. Women, who want to be friends, or even just friendly acquaintances, do the following:

Offer polite excuses as to why they can’t get together for that lunch, or dinner, or drink after work.

Agree to go out with you but then keep putting it off – including canceling at the last minute.

Go out with you, but insist on splitting the bill.

Spend time with you on Sunday afternoon rather than Friday or Saturday night.

Are late, or cut short their time with you when they do show up.

Speak on their cell phone frequently during their time with you.

Ask you for personal favors – like helping them move.

Bring you gifts – but only in return for favors you’ve done them (like baking you cookies because you helped them move).

Don’t return your phone calls or emails promptly.

Talk mostly about their own problems when they do call or email, or conversely focus on your problems and give advice as to how you might solve them.

Ask you to spend time with them doing things they like to do rather than asking what you’d like to do.

Keep clear physical distance between the two of you when they spend time with you.

Tell you point blank they’re only interesting in being friends.

Talk about setting you up with a friend, relative or co-worker.

No matter how sweet and kind and friendly women who do the above are they’re only interested in being your friend or friendly acquaintance. Can you turn the tables on them? Can you catch their interest once they’ve put you in the dreaded "friend only” category? Yes, sometimes you can – but it’s a long process and first and foremost you have to let go of your romantic and lustful notions of them and move on. Let me be very clear about something guys (and I know it sounds like "psycho babble” but it’s true) letting go emotionally of a crush or infatuation that isn’t going anywhere is one of the single most powerful moves you can take to get your own power back.

And yes, no matter how deep the crush you can eventually learn to let go and move on if you value your own life enough. I don’t care how much you think the woman’s perfect for you (and you for her) if she doesn’t see it you have to let it go and move on in order to ever get your own power back, and specifically your power with her.

In the future I’ll go over the steps you can take to capture the physical interest of a woman who’s put you in the "friendship pool,” but for now the most important thing for you to recognize is that when you focus your attention on a woman who’s not interested you’re allowing yourself to live on a wing and a prayer and tiny crumbs of kindness compared to the generous attention a woman is really interested will lavish on you.

So now let’s go over what a woman does when she’s really interested:

She says yes to a date on a Friday or Saturday night and keeps it.

She returns your phone call and emails, perhaps not within minutes, but within a couple of days.

She’s open to doing things you like to do, including things she normally wouldn’t be interested in.

She draws you out in conversation.

She leans towards you over the table during a meal, tilts her head to one side when listening to you as if reflecting on what you’re saying, and often plays with her hair.

She touches your shoulder, arm, or hand to emphasize a point when talking to you. She allows you into her "personal space” when you spend time together. In the beginning it may only be for a moment, but as time goes on it gets longer and longer.